Thursday, January 6, 2011

Discovering what Loss is about....

Throughout the past 7 years, I have experienced what I consider a string of losses that have impacted on my life, and who I am today. Let me take you through the major impact points during this period of time:

People: My Uncle, Maximo Mercado Jr. (My mother's only brother), passed away in 2004 from prostate cancer. My dear mother passed away in January 2005 after many years of illness from an infection that became Septic and untreatable. It was sudden and unexpected at the time it occurred, despite all that she had been through. In 2007, my older brother, Lawrence, passed away from a seizure of the brain related to alcholism. In 2009, my mothers only sister, Sylvia Mercado, passed away from stomach cancer, and most recently, September 2, 2010 at 4am in the morning, my dear father passed away as a result of heart disease that affected his life for 10 years. Losing so many members of my family, within this relatively short span of time, and the emotional toll it has taken has been tremendous. Losing my father has left me with a sense of loneliness and desolation that I have never experienced before. You always count on your parents being there, no matter what. Now that they aren't, it's a bit scary, even at my age. My father always said to me in varying forms when we parted, whether by phone or in person "No matter what you do, where you go, what or who you are, You are Loved! God Loves you, and so do I!!" Oh how I long to hear those words just one more time!

Things: In 2001, I had reached a point in my life, both personally and professionally, where I had everything I wanted, a great home, nice things, a nice car, great job, good salary, and didn't worry about much. Through all of that, I was lonely. I had no one to share all that I had achieved. Through the miracle of what we call technology in February 2002, halfway around the world, I met a 30 year old Australian, who not only caught my attention, but in time captured my heart. This led to my eventually leaving everything behind in the United States of Amercia, and relocating to New Zealand, a place we could both live without the Immigration Service coming knocking. Giving up all that I had at the time didn't seem like such a big deal. I had the bright idea of taking all the money I had earned, and also inherited, and buying a business. Big mistake!! EPIC FAIL!!! I lost everything, and walked away with a mountain of debt.

Myself: Through these years of losing loved ones, and material things, I lost pieces of me along the way. I can look back and logically see some of the where, and when, but through the clouds, haze and blur of emotion, it becomes difficult to sometimes remember where those parts fell away, and even more importantly to find the starting point to begin the process of finding those things that I have lost and desperately desire to have back.

In sharing all that I have in this post, I want to leave you with the lyrics from a song that I closely relate to as I wade through daily life at this point in time:

"He Hears My Tears"

With great waves of fury the storm came so swift, and left me with nothing but my brokeness...

Didn't know what to say, couldn't cry, couldn't pray, but somehow the Lord understood, and he moved in a way that only he could....

He Hears my Tears when I can't even cry, When a prayer can't be spoken, he understands why, He walks close beside me so faithful, so near, even when I can't cry, he still hears my tears......

With violent winds raging, with no hope in view, covered in fear, you don't know what to do, oh my friend just embrace, all his mercy and grace, the storm will not stand in his way, he'll come to your rescue and you too will say......

He Hears my Tears when I can't even cry, When a prayer can't be spoken, he understands why, He walks close beside me so faithful, so near, even when I can't cry, he still hears my tears.......

Why am I Here Part II - The Preface

Approximately 2 years ago, the most important person in my life was desperately searching for an outlet to express his creative side, his passions, and just himself. At my suggestion he created a blog, now known to many as 2cents worth down under. He started that blog with the thought of just having a place to pour out the many aspects of himself, whether anyone read it or not, and with a lot of supportive urging, he did just that. He says to me today it was one of the best things he ever started, and gets joy from it daily. With that said, many of you will know by writing style, and method of typing that the first post on this blog was posted by the creator of 2 cents worth down under as a collaboration with me, in an effort to get started on what the title of this blog is all about, Discovering who I am, all over again. At his urging, and with such encouragement, I want to share with whoever cares to read, who I am, where I have come from, and through that and hopefully with input from others, a path forward that allows to me to return to a man I have lost somewhere along the way. Care to join me? I hope so.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Why Am I Here?

My name is Patrick.

I think the question "Why am I here?" is a fitting first post as it is the question I currently ask myself every day.

To be honest, I don't know the answer, and it's a pain in the butt trying to find it.  But I come back to something that someone has said to me recently..... If something isn't working, try something else.

So that's why I started this blog.

I've seen the effect that a blog has had on a close friend of mine.  It's given him a creative and personal outlet for him and what he is about.  I'm not entirely sure what I am about yet, but I want to find out.  The alternative - well, we can get to that one at a later date.

So here I am, in the blogverse, and I'll have things to say, music to share - it's one of my biggest passions and if you can guess my favourite type of music you get not just the ginzu knives but a date with me using them as you cook my favourite.... oh hang on.... that's not how a date is SUPPOSED to go right? lol.

I'll have more to share on this journey soon - and you'll see me pop up somewhere else fairly soon too - somewhere I am sure many of you have visited already.

Until then, welcome, sit a spell and say hi.  
Meanwhile, a friend of mine sent me a quote today that I would like share with you and close this post on..

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door" - Milton Bearle.